Hi, I'm Charlie (formerly know as "Charlie the Bikemonger" a somewhat eccentric bike shop keeper beside the sea in Dorset. I now sell a chamois cream for slapping some on your undercarriage for a happy bottom while cycling.
It’s actually 100% vegan – we don’t make it out of vegans, as they are awkward to harvest…. But seriously it’s made from vegetable and nut extracts… totally 100% natural ingredients. I mean who wants to slap chemicals on their bum?
The main features are that it not only reduces friction, risk of infection, and it’s mildly anaesthetic, but it also smells awesome. What’s more, it’s “Fanny Friendly” and compatible with ladies and their wonderful parts.
The Bum Butter is made in a kitchen on the Dorset Coast, by Kevin, who is a pirate. He really is, and to prove it he organises the local pirate festival, invades Wareham by boat with a cannon, drinks lots of rum, and brandishes his sword around town.
What is it?
Cycling cream, AKA chamois cream is used "downstairs" to prevent friction and infection. Its used by a hell of a lot of cyclists, but rarely talked about.
Why do I need it?
Basically cycling is tough enough without having a sore arse. Who wants a sore arse? By protecting your skin down there from friction you will have a much more comfortable experience. What's more it allows you to cycle day in day out without discomfort. Our own "Bum Butter" also forms a barrier, so if you have already broken the skin, it not only keeps the nasty stuff out, it’s also antibacterial. And finally we add ingredients, natural ingredients I hasten to add, that provide an anaesthetic effect, slightly numbing any pain.
How is it applied?
Load up a blob of the cream onto your finger and smear it between your buttocks, and behind your :"daddy batteries" (aka nuts, balls, etc). The motion of wriggling around on a bike will help it get to wherever it needs to get. Some folk prefer to apply it to the pad in their shorts, this also works.
What about ladies?
Some creams are a bit zingy and meant for men only. So read the label. However our own product "Happy Bottom Bum Butter" is "fufu friendly" and compatible with ladies and their wonderful parts. It's a great female cycling chamois cream. In fact its used by several incredibly impressive female cyclists. Lee Cragie does ultra long rides and is a big fan. She is also our national Champion. Karen Darke used it on her armpits (and elsewhere) to get a Gold medal in Rio Olympics.
What does it feel like?
Many creams feel like you have unloaded a load of cream into your pants... because you have. It's a weird feeling, and its way better than having your skin ground up. But here's a thing: Happy Bottom is a vegetable butter-like substance, it soaks into the skin, and feels much more normal.